It's Like a Condom for Your Nose! (Pat and Richard Write About Life)

R- Ok. Ahahaha. So about that health care system.

P- Actually let me type this up on the computer. I'm just writing down what you say.

R- I don't know I prefer writing it down on paper.

P- Richard, there are entire songs about not getting what you want. I prefer to learn my life lessons from people who are complete strangers from sources such as the radio.

R- What does that even mean?? We are in Starbucks anyway it makes sense to just write it on a laptop. Be like edgy screenplay writers.

Random person- Blah blah blah, etc.

P- -sips coffee-

R- -sits there, looking ironic-

P- Richard, together we Make irony.

R- -silence-

P- -sips coffee-

R- I want to say something, should I just say it? Why did we name our son Irony? It's so hipster.

P- What the fuck? I don't remember carrying or birthing a child, I think we're talking about different Pat's.

R- Ahahaha. Ahahahahaha. Ahahahaha. Alright Pat, what the fuck that's too many ahahahaha's.

P- I calls 'em as I sees 'em.

R- Well whatever. Speaking of Irony, where is he? Actually I think he's just a projection.

P- That makes my baby-having-parts feel relieved, I was nervous I missed out on something sort of important.

R- Quick Pat, we need to go back to the previous dream stage! Give him the kick! Imagine if I actually just fell back in the chair in the middle of Starbucks.

P- This is supposed to be like an interview except nobody's interviewing us.

R- We're just bullshitting. Billshitting? Pat? Pat? Pat? -Boop-

P- -punches Richard-

R- -Richard falls out of chair- Right now I have cancer. Thanks, Pat. You must be keeding raaight?

P- -coughs-

R- -pats Pat on the back- Ahahaha.

Skyler- How much was that tall drink?

R- Like four something.

P- No it wasn't!

R- Oh, then how much was it?

P- Like three something.

R- Oh, ok. Yeah, three something.

Skyler- It's really three something?

R- You could always get my top hat and go outside and pretend to be a hobo and beg for money.

Skyler- That only works in the city, unless I get robbed by the gay French hipster.

P- The word hipster has to be in every single one of your posts. Like, if it doesn't fit into the context of your post then at the end you sign off as whoever you are and just write the word hipster.

R- Speaking of the gay French hipster, me and Boody, Boody and I, have so many theories about who this guy is.

Skyler- -laughs-

R- Uhm I just came up with the theory that he was the Devil and this was like one of those classic bible tales of like someone encountering the devil and he was like tempting us with irony and obscurity.

Skyler- He was just lookin' for some booty.

R- He was looking to do something to Boody.

P- Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hide yo Boody's and booties.

Skyler- I'd rather be taken by the Boogie man than the gay French hipster. Ima go get some chocolate.

P- Jesus Christ.

R- Actually I think the Boogie Man and the gay French hipster are one and the same. Ahaha. That's another one of my theories. He's definitely some kind of strange paranormal force.

P- What the hell?

R- You can say that again.

S- What the fuck.

R- meanwhile back in San Francisco..ahaha.

Skyler- f-u-c-k-e-r-y. she's writing everything that we're saying? is she serious? what the fuck? -rage quits-

P- What the fuck is wrong with you? Why do you say what the fuck so many fucking times? Kids probably read this mother fucking God dammned blog, we don't need fuckers like you saying fucking fuck all the fucking time. It's fucking
disrespectful.

R- For all I care you can all go drop off the face of the Earth. That's a promise.

Skyler- This is magically delicious.

R- -boop....boop...boop..- I boop you in the nose. Ahahaha.






R- Hey Pat, you did a really good job on this blog. You should go PAT yourself on the back!

Everyone- -laughs-

P- Fuck you.